Holiness Reeducation

There are few Christian leaders guaranteed to make more news than Mark Driscoll. With the release of his latest book Real Marriage, co-written with his wife Grace, there has been a tremendous amount of news created. The book has sold very well. The book has been reviewed by lots of people. A lot of people are upset by things in the book. A lot of people think it is awesome. Since I have written so much about sex and marriage lately I wanted to give the book a fair shot offer some thoughts. I am eventually going to compare and contrast it with Tim Keller’s book The Meaning of Marriage.

With so much already written about it, what do I have to add to the conversation? Well let me state up front that Mark Driscoll and I disagree on quite a bit about the church, the role of women in the church, and some fundamental questions about the Gospel. But, I didn’t want that to color my ability to read this book and miss out on the good that might be present in it. Reading it has been a spiritual discipline of humility and listening as much as anything else. I try to make a point to spending time really reading the people that rub me the wrong way so as not to get too enamored with myself or people I find myself easily agreeing with.

So what about the book itself. Well my interaction with the book itself will need to play out over several different posts because there are important questions here. The first section of the book is focused on marriage and the interaction of husband and wife. I will talk about that section first. The first impression I had of this section was simply that it was brave. They are very honest about their marriage and what it has taken them to learn how to have a healthy marriage. They are very honest about their personal stories, their marital beginnings and their failings. Much of the criticism of the book has been about some of the very personal details about their relational and sexual past that are shared in the book. I don’t have that criticism at all. This is one of the values of the book. It is real. The look at their marriage is real. We sugar coat things and hide them behind closed doors far too often in the church. Their candor is refreshing and will undoubtedly be really helpful to a number of people.

My personal battle with the book is with the over arching theology of men and women that dominates every aspect of it. They are strongly entrenched in a theological camp that supports male headship in the church and home. So my struggle was to see behind that veil and to try and find the parts that I could interact with. With that being said, there are a lot of really practical things about marriage in this book that are worthy of consideration. The way they look at their own efforts to submit to one another and to respect one another are good and healthy. Their emphasis on building a friendship at the center of the marriage is really helpful. They address destructive patterns of husbands and wives within marriage and offer alternatives. For all of that I will give them due credit. If you are of a similar theological persuasion and live out a marriage in the way they encourage you to I am convinced you can have a healthy and satisfying marriage.

Ultimately, the lacking I find in this section is in its vision of the transforming nature of the kingdom of God. Because of my differing theological views, I was left wanting for a vision of what marriage might look like in the kingdom. The marriage they outline is a best case scenario marriage for a world that is still living by order of things created by the fall. But Christ came to offer us an alternative world to live in. It is the kingdom of God. And in the kingdom the divisions based on gender and roles are no longer the dominant force at work determining how we live. Instead the transcending grace of God that set us all equally before the feet of God becomes our guiding ethic. We recognize that Jesus’ sacrificial and incarnational example becomes our guide for thinking about marriage. That is the part of this book that is missing for me, and from this theological stance in general. It is lacking the true ethic and vision of the alternative life offered to us in the kingdom of God.

If you can add that filter to what is written, this section on marriage is very practical and has some very healthy ideas about communication, learning to serve one another and how to avoid destructive behaviors. A multitude of marriages inside and outside the church would benefit from these practices. I am just hungry for something more from it.

Next time I will review the section on sex. That’s right, somehow I found a way to blog about sex again.

Jim Collins, in his masterful book Good to Great says that good is the enemy of great. Good makes us comfortable. Good removes our desire to make the difficult decision necessary to be great. Here are the opening words from Collins book in chapter 1.

Good is the enemy of great.

And that is one of the key reasons we have so little that becomes great.

We don’t have great schools, principally because we have good schools. We don’t have great government,  principally because we have good government. Few people attain great lives, in large part because it is just so easy to settle for a good life. The vast majority of companies never become great, precisely because the vast majority of companies become quite good- and that is their main problem.

I was reminded of Collins’ work these past few weeks as I have reflected on what it takes to truly make disciples. Finally at 3DM in Atlanta it became clear to me. It takes desperation. It takes a fundamental belief that church as usual is so flawed that it will never accomplish what God ultimately asks of us. It takes a willingness to sacrifice that which is good for something great.

When we were gathered in Atlanta the 3DM team kept remarking that this learning community was the furthest along in the process of anyone they had worked with. The reason? Desperation had set in. We know that what we are doing isn’t going to cut it anymore. The group gathered there was simply open and hungry to a new paradigm for being the church. Our previous successes were no longer clouding our minds.

Ultimately that is the question we have to ask ourselves in the church. Are our perceived successes as a church getting in the way of listening to what God wants to do through and in us? Success as the world defines it (crowds, money, staff, facilities, fame, being cool, book deals, etc..) is the absolute enemy to humble obedience to the voice of God. It makes us soft. It makes us comfortable. It works as cotton balls jammed in our ears filtering out the whisper of God to be something more. It blinds us to the realities of how the world is changing around us. We see other churches that are behind the times and their people are leaving and their churches are dying and we pity them. We pity them as our churches swell with the sheep of other flocks and we confuse this migration for fulfilling the mission of God. All the while God is calling us to greatness in the kingdom of God and our own presumptive success is killing our will to listen to God. It is shutting us down to the truth.

Paul says in Romans 13

Love must be sincere. Hate what is evil; cling to what is good. ¹⁰ Be devoted to one another in love. Honor one another above yourselves. ¹¹ Never be lacking in zeal, but keep your spiritual fervor, serving the Lord. ¹² Be joyful in hope, patient in affliction, faithful in prayer. ¹³Share with the Lord’s people who are in need. Practice hospitality.

¹⁴ Bless those who persecute you; bless and do not curse. ¹⁵ Rejoice with those who rejoice; mourn with those who mourn. ¹⁶ Live in harmony with one another. Do not be proud, but be willing to associate with people of low position. Do not be conceited.

Paul is speaking right into the heart of our churches today. He is speaking right into our hearts as leaders and pastors. We have lost our zeal to hear the voice of the Lord. We have traded a continual zeal and humility to what God desires for the comfort of fitting in with everyone else. That exchange has left us woefully short of seeing the glory of God truly revealed in our midst.

I keep asking myself, where is good enough for me not nearly good enough for God? Where am I so comfortable or so arrogantly self affirming in my beliefs that I have long since stopped listening for the voice of God? If we are going to change the course of the North American church it is this humility and desperation to listen to the voice of God that will spark our new path.

May we all have such desperation that it supersedes our comfort and arrogance and leads us into the greatness that only birthed through obedience to our Father.

A Bunch of Disconnected Thoughts from the Super Bowl and my life on this fine Monday morning.

Two moments on Saturday afternoon brought me great joy as a father. First, my son sat with me on the couch and watched an entire Maryland basketball game with me. I could tell it was a moment of delight for him to have this time with me and it was a tremendous joy for me. His hunger to be part of whatever I am doing constantly teaches me about my relationship to God the Father and gives me joy I never have quite known before.

The other moment came when we played the Lego Star Wars game together and Logan learned what a Wookie is for the first time. He was Chewbacca and I was Yoda in our battle against the Storm Troopers. It was awesome. He has talked about it for two days. He loves those Wookies.

There are those among us who suffer. There are those for whom life is unfair. There are those who have never had a chance to make it in this world. Then there is Tom Brady. Following last night’s heart wrenching loss to the NY Giants in the Super Bowl Tom will somehow have to find solace in his super model wife, beautiful children, fame, tens of millions of dollars, 3 Super Bowl rings, passing records and good looks. Some of us have burdens to bear in this world. Some of us are Tom Brady.

Somehow Eli Manning turned into a clutch QB with more Super Bowl rings than his record setting brother. If you had to choose between the two – Peyton being a Hall of Fame QB with a shot at most passing records and plenty of success in Indianapolis or Eli who has grown into the king of NY leading two underdog teams to the ultimate prize which would you choose? I can’t believe I am saying this, but I think I might rather be Eli. He seems to enjoy life more.

Queso and chips or Hot Wings for the best Superbowl food? This is an intense debate in my mind.

Did I find myself actually enjoying Madonna’s half time performance last night? Yes, in fact I strangely did. It might have just been the queso high I was experiencing, however.

I will ultimately remember little of this game. It was actually pretty boring. But I will remember gathering with great friends to laugh the night away and enjoy the game. What a blessing it is to have a community of friends who allow me to be myself. What an extra blessing, as a pastor, that these are people from our church.

I am looking forward to watching Peyton and Eli face off head to head twice a year when Peyton accepts a huge offer from the Redskins to be their next QB. If Peyton wants to prove he is the greatest ever he can do so by resurrecting the Redskins. Come on Peyton, you are up to the challenge!

My favorite commercial was the Audi commercial that made fun of vampires and celebrated their fancy headlights. This was a perfectly created contextual commercial. It captured our culture in this moment perfectly. Three years ago it wouldn’t have made sense and two years from now it would seem a little outdated.

I have been processing the week in Atlanta and have a lot to share. The rest of the week will probably revolve around more thoughts on discipleship and leadership development. This doesn’t have anything to do with the Superbowl, that is why these are ramblings.

But many of us who have seen significant growth in our churches know a dirty little secret: Significant growth has its own ill effect on helping communities develop deep faith. Numeric growth of Christianity doesn’t indicate a more harmonious was of life with God. The metaphor of the body is a good one for churches. A body that’s too big puts a strain on the systems of the body. At the same time, communities who never embrace new people or new perspectives find themselves starving. Both obesity and starvation are pathways to death.

Doug Pagitt in Preaching in the Inventive Age

I have been wrestling with this quote for a couple of days now. Both obesity and starvation are pathways to death. It struck me because we are the most obese culture that has ever lived. Obesity is an epidemic that is radically altering the future of our country. It is going to bankrupt the health care system of this country. It is going to forever alter the generation that is growing up obese right now. It has changed our view of ourselves and the view the world has of us.

But until I read this quote I never associated obesity with the megachurch culture that dominates the landscape of American Evangelicalism. Can we equate, to a degree, over-sized churches with obesity? I am beginning to think that we can. Obesity goes beyond poor eating habits. It truly becomes a disease. Once the body has too much fat and has increased beyond a healthy mass it begins to effect the bodies ability to function properly. It takes a lot more energy for the body to simple keep running. It puts a strain on the heart. It puts strain on joints. It can lead to diabetes by effecting the kidneys. It effects movement, activity, flexibility, rest, and long term life expectancy.

Unfortunately, how we are being the church in our country can lead to a lot of the same symptoms. The amount of work and resources necessary to maintain a megachurch is immense. This always increases stress levels and the health of those responsible for making that church work. It certainly effects flexibility and the ability to hear from God and adapt quickly. It can certainly effect life expectancy, sometimes for the church itself, and certainly for the staff members involved. Obesity disrupts the natural healthy ways the body is supposed to function. In the church this can certainly be the case as well.

The major concern with obesity in our country right now is its effect on children. Growing up obese simply ramps up the medical issues that can accompany it and effect life longer and more severely. Young children who struggle with obesity very seldom grow up to be healthy adults. Might this be true in the church as well? If a church grows too big too fast at too young an age might it also have the same effects? If a church doesn’t have the depth and maturity to handle large crowds and large resources in a healthy way is it creating a ticking time bomb of destruction for itself and its staff? Interesting question to consider.

I am not throwing megachurches under the bus here, I am simply pointing out some of the inherent dangers at being over-sized. You can be over-sized and healthy, just look at some of the monstrous specimens in the NFL and NBA. However, studies show that the long term prognosis for these athletes isn’t good unless they take big steps to get healthy as they age and reduce their mass over time. The life span of an average NFL lineman is a depressing statistic.

At the core of this whole thing is the simple reality that God has designed the church like he has designed our bodies. There are healthy ways of living that maximize our ability to live productively and healthfully. Without careful attention to what we need to be healthy we can end up in a place where bad habits and poor consuming habits have rendered us unhealthy and unable to do the work God has created us to do.

What do you think? Is there more to this than I have stated? Am I overreaching? What do you think of Doug’s quote?

Mama, don’t let your children grow up to be kickers.

Whenever a field goal kicker misses my mother in-law feels bad, not for him, but for his mom. Watching your kid carry that kind of burden is tough. Well after yesterday’s games, Lawrence Tyne’s mom is relieved and Billy Cundiff’s mom is thankful her son used his college scholarship and NFL dollars to get a college degree and an MBA.

The tale of two kickers. One made it his kick. One missed his. In a moment their actions would decide whether they would be the hero or the goat. That really is the magic of sports isn’t it? Seldom in life does your legacy come down to a clearly defined moment. The limited time frames of an athletes career and the games they play make for artificially created and yet beautiful drama.

Tom Brady is Tom Brady not because of his good looks, model wife, or incredible fortune and fame. (OK those things kind of define him ) He is Tom Brady because he has been clutch in moments that really mattered. If he wins his fourth Super Bowl in two weeks he will establish himself as the greatest QB of his generation.

Michael Jordan is Michael Jordan because his unmatched competitive drive refused to lose in the biggest moments. Michael willed his team to victory, time and time again. Kobe is the only basketball player we have seen since that has remotely the same kind of drive.

John Elway was the guy who couldn’t get it done until he helicoptered through the air on a crucial play late in the Super Bowl and became a legend.

Dan Marino, Bernie Kosar, Karl Malone, and Charles Barkley, they are all fantastic legendary players who never got there. Sometimes it was a moment missed, other times it was simply having the breaks go the other way. But how people view them changed because of moments like the two we watched yesterday.

When I first became a pastor, I felt like my life was a series of game winning field goal kicks. The sermon I was preaching, the worship I was planning, the youth event I was leading, those were my moments. They would either make or break who I was. If I succeeded in those moments I would change people’s perceptions of me and if I succeeded in those moments lives would be changed. It all hung on my shoulders.

Thank God I recognize how wrong I was. Life in the kingdom of God isn’t like life as a field goal kicker. Our pursuit of God and our work for his glory is all about a life well lived in continual, sacrificial, redemptive service of the world. It is never one moment, as a success or failure that defines us. We are defined by the love of God that redeems us. And the measures of our success are measured over the long term. We will fail. We will have moments of success. But our goal in the kingdom is to spend our life continually experiencing moments of obedience that change us and impact the world.

The artificial drama of sports is intoxicating. It changes the outlook of fans, for the good and bad. But it is not the way life works in the kingdom of God. And for that I am deeply thankful. (Especially since as a fan of the Wizards, Redskins, Capitals, Orioles and Terps my outlook is mostly jaded, pained, and frustrated. There has to be a beattitude that applies to me. Blessed are you when you root for perennial losers whose owners make torturing their dedicated fan base a way of life for in the kingdom of heaven your team owner is Jesus!)