Holy Sex Life – Part Three (In case I left anything out)

What does holiness have to do with our sex life? (Find parts 1 and 2 of this conversation here)

Here are some of the difficult questions about our sexuality that I haven’t addressed. What about sex and single people? What about celibacy? What about homsexuality? What about abuse inside of marriage? What about very different levels of sexuality or sex drive within a marriage?

There are certainly more questions than that left, but those are some of the pressing ones that I can think of. Some of those are connected and some kind of stand alone. So let me just take them one at a time and share some thoughts.

What does a holy sex life look like if you are single? In some regards I feel really unqualified to answer this question. For one I haven’t been single in a long time. I got married when I was 21. So speaking to the difficult realities of being single in your 20′s, 30′s, 40′s, 50′s or so forth isn’t something I am all that comfortable with. Further, for those who are divorced or have lived active sex lives and now find themselves celibate or single, once again I have little first hand knowledge to rely upon. If one of you out there would like to add some thoughts to this for us please do so. I begin with admitting my ignorance. (This is always a good first step) I also admit that when I was single my sex life wasn’t particular redeemed or holy. I wasn’t having sex but I think of that more as living as a dry drunk than anything else. I didn’t understand any of this at that stage of life.

So what do I think I can speak to about being single and a holy sex life? At its root this question is about identity. How much of our identity and our contentment with life is tied up into our sexuality? Here are the things I am confident of. God is enough. We can be content and fulfilled with life without ever having sex because that is the immensity of our God. We are invited into an intimate and transforming relationship with our creator that shapes our identity more than anything else. For all of us, single, married, celibate or sexually active, the starting point for contentment is our identity and discovering what it means to be a child of God.

I really do believe that God has intended sex to be part of a covenant relationship between husband and wife. That doesn’t mean that you can’t have really enjoyable sex outside of that covenant. It also doesn’t mean that sex within that covenant is always redeemed or enjoyable. It just means that God always calls us to a better good, a higher standard of living. A holy sex life is a sex life that is set apart and set above the standards of the world. We should all hold onto this as our standard.

Celibacy? – There is certainly a Biblical argument, once again espoused by the Apostle Paul, that celibacy is a very legitimate lifestyle choice for God’s followers. Freedom from sex is freedom to pursue God and his Kingdom with more focus, time and energy. It is certainly a difficult choice and one that not many feel called to. But it is a legitimate and God honoring choice if one makes it. Our sexuality isn’t so big and important that God can’t ask us to give it up in his service. That is a radical notion in today’s views of self and sexuality but it is God’s. There is nothing in our lives that God can’t ask us to give up for his sake, including our life itself. That is the cost of discipleship, one demonstrated by God himself who gave up a sex life in human form, gave up having a family, and ultimately gave up his life.

Homosexuality? – I don’t write much about homosexuality because it is such a loaded conversation these days. Most of my thoughts on it are readily available in this sermon. 2.27.11 – Does God hate homosexuals? But much of what I have just said about being single and being celibate apply here. I can’t find a Biblical case to support homosexual practices as acceptable to God or part of a redeemed sexuality. But I think we make this too much of a point of contention and seldom treat the issue by talking about real people. I have friends who are homosexuals and I love them. Their sexuality in whatever levels of redemption or brokenness  it exists doesn’t change that.

Abuse within a marriage? – I don’t think I need to spend much time speaking about sex abuse in general, especially about its horrors in regards to children and those who are forcibly abused. But there is a reality that sexual abuse exists within marriages. This abuse occurs certainly when one is forced to have sex against your desires, even if it is by your spouse. It also occurs when sex is used as a weapon of control. Sex within marriage can certainly be used to demean someone, exert power over them, or control them. In all these ways sex is abusive and certainly unholy. The ways in which this can happen are extensive. Whenever sex is about lessening the other, controlling them, not building one another up, or in some ways takes advantage of one or the other, it is abusive.

What about differing sex drives? – This is a pretty important question. Knowing the difference in the nature of many men and women and their sexuality and the wide difference between different people and their sex drives and interest in sex, this is probably a source of contention in many marriages. The stereotype of course is that men want sex much more than women. In reality that is true much of the time but not always. Regardless, the issue is about what it means to live in covenant with one another and to give yourself to another. There is a constant balance in our marriages of expressing our needs so our partner knows them and putting aside our needs to serve our spouse. We are given the example of love for our spouse through the love Jesus displayed in laying his life down for the church. That example should inform every area of marriage.

So the balance in marriage is in acknowledging who we are and striving to be someone better in love of our spouse. So if different desires for sex lead to contention there should be a striving to acknowledge the differences and an effort by both spouses to go beyond themselves and inclinations and offer their spouse the best of themselves. For some spouses this will mean having more sex even though they don’t want to. It is a matter of demonstrating your love for your spouse by intentionally being available sexually even though sometimes you are too tired, bored, or have a show on TV you want to watch. For some spouses this will mean that you learn to accept the realities of how tired, bored, overworked, stressed or disinterested your spouse is sometimes and being ok with it. There is a great balance here. You have to always keep the good of your marriage and your desire to show grace at the forefront of your actions.

For some spouses showing grace is having more sex. For some spouses it is about accepting with grace that you won’t have all the sex you want. The only time this becomes an issue is if we remove the grace from the equation. Without grace it becomes a battle of wills, a chore, a source of contention, or an area that works to lessen rather than strengthen the bonds of marriage.

Alright, I have written almost an entire chapter on this issue by now. That should cover most of my thoughts. Feel free to point out anything I have left out, what I have gotten wrong, or share whatever thoughts you have. That is if you have been able to read this far!