The 10 Guys You Meet Playing Church League Basketball

There is a place where all men are made equal before God. They come from far and wide and there they do battle to honor God. They meet with pride in their hearts and illusions of grandeur dancing in their head. This place is church league basketball and it is a place of wonder. In my years playing church league basketball I have found that there are certain guys who you see on every team and in every league. They are the 10 guys you meet in church league basketball. Let me introduce them to you.

1) The Awkwardly Effective Shooter – There is always a guy who looks goofy, who doesn’t seem to have an athletic bone in his body and yet is a strangely effective shooter. This guy moves like a 13 year old who just grew 5 inches over the summer. Every time he shoots you wince, and yet it goes in the hoop. You look up at the end of the game and you wonder how this guy scored 20 points with less grace than a newborn giraffe.

2) The Bruiser – There is always some ridiculously strong farmer/mechanic/construction worker/ex-military guy who has no game other than manhandling anybody in his way. His job is to punish whoever thinks they should drive by, rebound near, or shoot over him. You come home from playing this guy, take an extra long shower, take 12 Advil, and spend the next three days complaining to your wife about how sore you are.

3) The High Schooler – Everyone over 30 just grimaces when they see high schoolers on the other team. They don’t grimace because they are going to lose, if they were any good they would be playing for their school not their church. They grimace because this guy is going to run around with the supernatural energy of a teenager and you have to chase them. Thankfully their supernatural energy is offset by an absolute lack of understanding about having to actually play basketball. Shooting hoops with your buddies in the gym does not prepare you for church league balling. Everyone sees this guy and groans.

4) The Coach – This guy is most likely a seasoned veteran of church league basketball who no longer has any cartilage in his knees. He is now coaching and trying to do his best impression of Gene Hackman in Hoosiers. He is calling plays, shuffling players in and out of the line up constantly, switching defenses, and yelling instructions at his team the entire game. Unfortunately, in church league no one wants or needs a coach, so everyone ignores this guy. They do so with a smile, but they ignore him.

5) The Pastor – Ah yes, the pastor. Every church league team needs one. He can be identified usually by a lack of skill, a lack of fitness, and other guys constantly trying to encourage him to be nice or ripping him because it is their only opportunity to mock the pastor and get away with it. He can usually be identified by being the guy everyone expects to pray before the game and the guy who keeps begging guys to stop dropping f-bombs.

6) The F-Bomber – This is the guy usually recruited to the team by a guy at the church, who is happy to be playing ball but isn’t sure sure about the church thing. He is doing his best to hold in his temper at the terrible refs, the hackers, the bruisers, the high schoolers, and the over energetic coach, but you know at some point sitting on the bench he is dropping an f-bomb. No church league game is complete without this moment.

7) Pistol Pete Maravich – This is the guy who has no business playing in the church league. He is a former college player or pro, maybe he spent sometime playing professionally over in Iceland, and he is there because some buddy dreaming of church league glory recruited him to play. Like Pistol Pete Maravich, who actually died playing basketball at a Nazarene church, this guy is way out of everyone’s league and he is trying to play while not taking it too seriously and avoiding getting hurt. He is also bummed by the lack of dunking allowed.

8 ) The Gym Rats – These are the true core of the church league. These guys play basketball four days a week, play in every league in town and know everyone else. They are the guys you try to stack your team with because they have the highest probability of being in shape, actually being able to make some shots, having an idea of how to run a pick and roll, and knowing how to play defense without leaving scars on the opponent. Gym rats come in all shapes and sizes, but they bear the distinctive ability to actually play basketball.

9) The Fat Guys – If you are short, fat, are concerned that your stomach may hang below your jersey, have to make sure there is a 2x or 3x jersey to wear, call for a sub after every trip up and down the court and call out for Jesus’ help more during a 40 minute game then the rest of the week combined, well then you are one of the fat guys. Church league is the only place for these guys to play basketball, talk smack and relive a tiny piece of their former athletic glory in front of their wife and kids who are almost always present. The family to player ratio in the stands is highest with this group, always.

10) Spud Webb – You walk onto the court, you see the other team has a player that is 5’4″ and looks like a 13 year old with a beard. You begin to salivate thinking about posting this guy up all night. But not so fast, this guy is the dominator of church league games. He is quicker than snot flowing on a cold December morning in Indiana. He is a surprisingly good shooter. He is a pesky defender who manages to get 12 steals a game and turn them into layups before the fat guys reach half court. He has managed to stay in shape and still weighs the same as the day he graduated high school. These guys rule church league basketball.

Bonus – 11) The Old Dude – Well I actually ended up with 11 guys, because every team has the old dude. This guy may have founded the league, or started the team for the church two decades before. He can still shoot, has those crafty doesn’t jump but pivots and spins his way for floaters moves, can’t move his feet on defense and is happy to commit 5-6 fouls per game. Everyone roots for the Old Dude because we all know one day we will be that guy.

Well there it is, that is my ode to church league basketball. Did I miss anybody?