Holy Sex Life, Batman!

Is the phrase holy sex life an oxymoron? What does God want for our sex lives? Is this going to be an another awkward pastor talk about sex? (Probably, I will try to be honest and forthright without TMI) Those are three pretty legitimate questions to begin this post with. I promised in my post on the Virgin Diaries that I would offer a secondary post today on some ideas about having a Holy Sex Life. So here are some initial thoughts about this. I really am writing a chapter in the book I am slowly but surely working on that covers this topic. So here is a bit of my thoughts around making spiritual sense of our sex lives.

We miss the point of sex

Somewhere in the extremes of awkward Christians not knowing what to do with their sexuality and the self indulgent obsession of our culture in regards to sex we have missed the point entirely. Sex only really makes sense when we have a whole view of what it is to be creatures uniquely created in the image of God. Our sexuality is wound up in our identity as humans. The very act of creating new life is part of the privilege and responsibility given to us by God to have dominion over creation. We are co-creators with God in this activity. Reproducing isn’t distinctly a human venture but it is tied up in our created purpose.

Beyond merely procreating, our sexuality is tied up into our spirituality. This is where we really need to understand how we are created. Nothing we do to our bodies is merely done to our bodies. Our bodies, our minds, and our souls are all one. They are all connected. So sexual activity carried out by the body unquestionably affects our minds and souls. This is supposed to be a good thing. When expressed properly, (I will talk about that in a moment) sex is beneficial for our bodies, minds and souls. Sex is supposed to be spiritual experience. It is supposed to be of such an intimate nature that all of who we are is engaged with all of our spouse in this activity. God is present in our sex. God is always present.

So when sex becomes an end to itself rather than a means we miss the point. Our culture has made sex, as an experience of self satisfying pleasure, conquest, and identity as an end to itself. Having sex or experiencing pleasure isn’t the point. Experiencing that pleasure as an act of giving oneself completely to another as a bond of sacrifice, joy, and commitment is the point. Sex is a glue intended to hold together the bonds of marriage. It reinforces the complete giving of one to another expressed in covenant. When it is removed from commitment, and especially covenant- which is always intended to be for life, its purpose is hidden from us. When sex is moved from a means to an end it becomes an idol.

We think God is a prude

In the church too often we remove our sexuality from our spirituality. God isn’t embarrassed by sex. God isn’t offended by our sexual desire. God gave them to us. Unfortunately sin has corrupted these desires and broken them. As the people of God too often we have let broken sexuality define our sexuality instead of redeemed sexuality. When we talk about sex in the church too often it falls into one of the following categories. Stop sleeping around. Don’t look at pornography. Homsexuality is a sin. TV and Movies have too much smut. Sex is good if you are married. As long as you are heterosexual and having sex inside of marriage you know everything you need to about having a good sex life.

Those seem to be the dominant messages and themes from the church about sex. What those themes don’t address is this difficult reality. Just because sex is happening between married people inside of their marriage that doesn’t make it redemptive or holy. Not sinning in regards to sex isn’t the same as experiencing the fullness of what God intended it for.

On the flip side, to counter the prevailing ideas of our culture just because sex feels good, makes you happy, is consensual or feeds an appetite in your life that doesn’t make it good for you, positive, non-destructive or permissible. Don’t confuse pleasure and indulgence for a far greater good that God has created us for.

God isn’t a prude, but he also has never defined what is good for us as what we want, what others are doing, what feels good in the moment, and what comes easily according to our sinful nature. We were created for more. We were created to experience freedom in our sex lives and that only happens inside of God’s will not our own desires.

A Holy Sex Life

Anything that is holy is set apart. It is different. It is the opposite of normal. It is exceptional. It is defined by the presence of God. As Christians the first step is for our sex lives to simply stop being sinful. I am old school. I believe that God has always intended sex to exist solely within the confines of marriage. Sex was never intended to be about us. It was intended to be about giving ourselves to someone else. Any behavior or attitudes towards sex that are all about my desires, my wants, my needs and preferences are sinful. Lust is selfish and offers no consideration for the other. Sex as an end rather than a means is an idol. So first, let’s stop sinning.

Second, we have to allow God to redeem our sex lives. This means giving our sexuality over to God. We must begin with an acknowledgment that we are all broken sexual beings. Only in God’s grace can we experience wholeness. We have to allow God to redeem our thoughts about sex. We have to allow God to redeem our desires for sex. We have to allow God to redeem our sexual activity. A holy sex life is a sex life that sets us apart from the world by being an expression of who God has created us to be. It builds up our marriages, it reinforces our identity as the children of God, and it makes us more human not less human. If our sexuality doesn’t connect us more to God and more to one another in an intimate and God honoring way then it is profane and not holy.

Wow, that was a lot of writing about sex. I didn’t even cover half of what I was going to say. I guess I will be back next week with more thoughts.