At lunch yesterday my friend Patrick told me that I needed a new list post on the blog. It has been a long time since we debated the trivial, so here is a little mid week gift for you. Patrick suggested we come up with the list of the best bad movies of all time (my interpretation of his suggestion). These are not movies that are bad as in dirty, but movies that are bad because of poor movie making.
What criteria will help movies move up this list?
Cast - Having big name bad actors and actresses will help. I am sure there are some names that will appear frequently, especially with “That Guy” actors and actresses, the kind of people who seem to have a bit part or supporting role in all these films.
Plot – Ludicrous plot lines really help out
Dialogue – Bad one liners that stay with you forever up the ante here
The TNT Test – If TNT is showing this movie for the 32nd consecutive day, do you still stop to watch scenes that you love or hate
Datedness – I just made up that word. If a movie is especially dated culturally, it is hard not to want to watch it just to mock it.
Bonus Points – If this movie was good/awful enough to spur a whole series of bad remakes, if it has gotten better/worse with age, or if you appeared in the movie there are bonus points available.
Here are some of the movies that come to my mind immediately….Roadhouse – This Patrick Swayze action flick is about kicking some butt in bars. My favorite line… “Pain don’t hurt” Sam Eliot – a great That Guy is in this film
Point Break – Two Hall of Fame bad actors – Keanu Reeves and once again Patrick Swayze in this surfing crime drama. Great line – “They only live to get radical.”
Highlander - Epic, epic bad/awesome film. Christopher Lambert with a terrible Scottish accent as an ageless warrior trying to chop the heads off of other ageless warriors. So good it hurts. Famous line, “There can be only one.” Bonus points – spurred a whole TV series and three other films. Also huge bonus points for a great soundtrack featuring Queen. My college roommate and I searched for three years for that soundtrack before we found it.
Buffy the Vampire Slayer - Kristy Swanson, Luke Perry, Donald Sutherland, Paul Ruebens and Rutger Hauer, need I say any more? Cheerleader slays vampires, who doesn’t dig that? Spurred a very successful TV series. If it weren’t for this movie would we have the gift of Sarah Michele Geller?
Commando – I can list about 15 different Arnold movies here, but I will go with the first one I ever saw because I still can’t turn it off. This is Arnold at his most ripped. Features a 12 year old Alyssa Milano and Arnold defeating an entire private army with what he found in the gardeners shed. Famous line, “I lied”
Predator - All right I couldn’t limit it to just one Arnold movie because this has had a lasting impact. This movie featured not one, but two future governors with a pivotal role by Jesse Ventura. Also here is standout bad actor Carl Weathers. This brought us not only a sequel but a spinoff of Aliens verses Predator. Great line, “If it bleeds, we can kill it.”
Waterworld – This Kevin Costner disaster lives at the center of one of the longest running jokes between my college roommates and I, so that elivates its status for me personally. This futuristic film is dated, that is what makes it so beautiful. The unstoppable Dennis Hopper is the villain and there is a sadly covered environmental message that even seems dated with its emphasis on the Exxon Valdez. The only thing against this one is how long it is. Speaking of Kevin Costner
The Postman - An hour into this movie Costner still isn’t the postman yet. Tom Petty and Will Patton of Remember the Titans fame round out some of the cast. Would have had bonus points if the rest of the Heartbreakers had joined Tom Petty in this one. Can’t believe Costner followed up Waterworld with this mess. Not as rewatchable as some of the others.
Harley Davidson and the Marlboro Man – Hard to put this one into word. Mickey Rourke and Don Johnson team up to rob a bank to save a friends bar and end up in a world of trouble. That’s right, Mickey Rourke and Don Johnson, enough said.
Con-Air – This one made a lot of money. This one features the worst southern accent ever done. Nicolas Cage just butchers this one, but it does look like he spent a lot of time in the weight room. This one has so many good actors in it. Steve Buscemi, John Malkovich, John Cusack, Ving Rhames, Colm Meaney, Dave Chapelle, and Danny Trejo (The #1 Hispanic That Guy). Best line, “Give me the bunny”
There are some of my favorites off the top of my head, what are some of yours?
December 5, 2008 at 8:13 am
Greg, good call on “He Got Game.” (shudder…)
My brain has officially blown by Shay and Todd E. My wife is rather tired of hearing me exclaim, “Of course! I can’t believe I forgot that one!”
Shay’s additions of the The Never Ending Story and Willow are truly inspired. I love these movies, but I hate them, yet I love them, but I…
Attempting to come up with a choice to top Todd E.’s genius pick of Buckaroo Banzai is nigh impossible. I am pretty sure that movie gave me a Mary Hart-like seizure back in the mid 80′s.
I don’t believe I have seen this pick yet, but may I humbly submit:
RED DAWN
December 5, 2008 at 8:49 am
Ooo, Red Dawn. But which version, the heavily trimmed TBS version, where it almost doesn’t make sense, or the whole version?
I know which one I’ve spent more time watching.
If we’re going to go that route:
Chuck Norris Martial Arts Movies
Charles Bronson Revenge Movies
The Warriors
December 5, 2008 at 9:49 am
Now that I’ve read through all 52 comments. I too must comment. I agree that anything by Sly or Arnie must make the list. We might even have to add Seagal to the list.
The 80s seemed to have produced some “bad” but addictive movies– Terminator, Lethal Weapon, Indiana Jones, and Beverly Hills Cop. (I do realize that Indian Jones will be a controversial response.)
I add this next comment to be humorous and make Greg’s eyes roll.
Progressing on to the early 90s…. I must admit one absolutely bad movie that I watched more than once is House Party with Kid n’ Play. Yes, it had a sequel. Technically, Kid n’ Play were big names; they produced albums and created their own dances. The movies did have some big names such as Martin Lawrence and Tisha Campbell. I believe House Party 3 had Bernie Mac. The movies are especially dated and I doubt that anyone would want to watch them today. If only I had been in one of the movies.. I’d get bonus points.
December 5, 2008 at 9:53 am
Question: Does James Bond belong on this list?
Question: Is there going to be a final list, Greg?
Other entries: City Slickers, the original Planet of the Apes, Bloodsport, and Ghost. (Carrie, still waiting for the best bad chick flicks!)
December 5, 2008 at 9:54 am
Todd E. Stole my picks of the entire Speed franchise…so I’ll throw in the Matthew Broderick Godzilla remake. I wanted my money back after that one.
But enough of that…Why…why is there ANY debate about Caddyshack? Is there some confusion in the comments between bad movie…and one of the greatest movies EVAR???? They bet on a kid picking his nose and eating boogers! For crying out loud??? If that doesn’t qualify for movie greatness…then…I just don’t know moives. Throw in Rodney Dangerfield “Hey honey you musta looked great….before electricity” and it’s instant classic.
I have to defend Buffy too based on Paul Reuben…he was hilarious in that movie.
Oh, and leave it up to the wifey to comment on your blog…then complain about you not commenting on her comment.
December 5, 2008 at 10:00 am
Oh, and only Timothy Dalton Bond films are up to debate…all others should pass the test (even teh George Lazenby one).
Is there any form of penance in the Methodist church? Maggie, I know I’m violating the ol’ speck in your neighbor’s eye thing but…Princess Bride? even if it was a misunderstanding, that should be worth a couple of Hail Mary’s (not the Doug Flutie kind).
December 5, 2008 at 10:55 am
I’m home with the babies today, so I have a lot of time to think. But, I will try to make this my final comment before Greg narrows down the list:
This is my pick for best bad movie of all time based on the criteria laid out by Greg:
Terminator
Cast – Arnold Schwarzenegger! Linda Hamilton! Bill Paxton! Michael Biehn (this guy has been in some junk!)
Plot – Time travel, cyborgs, apocalypse!
Dialogue – Do I need to even give examples?
The TNT Test – I think this movie passes the TNT, TBS, Spike, USA, Univision, and Saturday afternoon network test. This series is always on TV!
Datedness – “In the Year of Darkness, 2029, the rulers of this planet devised the ultimate plan.” This movie is 20 years away from being completely obsolete or TRUE!
Bonus Points – This movie both has two remakes AND although I was not in any of them, I have acted with David Andews who plays Robert Brewster in T3.
December 5, 2008 at 11:00 am
FORGIVE ME!!!
I LOVE the princess bride. I am sorry. I made a mistake. I am impulsive. I didn’t read Greg’s post…beyond the title and I didn’t read the title well…obviously. I have gotten on my knees over my error…I have heard words of absolution…I am forgiven…and NOT by Mary!
I am preaching on Mary on the 21st of December though. Fear not!
December 5, 2008 at 1:16 pm
Wow, now my sister is even commenting, this is important.
Thanks for the myriad of excellent comments and suggestions. I will work on compiling a list of final contenders and let you vote.
Terminator, in the running, definitely
The House Party series, probably not.
The Friday Series with Chris Tucker and Ice Cube, definitely in…
I think some of the Bond definitely apply, but which ones? The Dalton ones are not good, I rewatched License to Kill just the other day. Sat through the whole, mocked it the entire time, loved it.
Buckaroo Bonzai…. Well done Todd, well done
Bloodsport so on this list, I watch that on VS every Thursday night!
December 5, 2008 at 1:53 pm
It seems to me that the original demand was for something that was really bad, but if it was on TV, you’d sit and watch it.
It also seems to me that for a lot of these films, we’re hitting that fine line between “bad, and your wife would never come near it” and “bad, and you and your friends (and perhaps, depending on your feelings, some brews) will find this to be a fine evening’s entertainment.
For instance, the Christopher Lambert Abomination “Fortress”, which was incredibly bad, but incredibly prime real estate for a spontaneous MST3K session back in high school.
Also, Demolition Man and Big Trouble, Little china are movies that I watched repeatedly with my friends on saturday afternoons, not because they were good, but because they’re good with friends. The entire line of Mummy movies falls under this as well.
Buckaroo Banzai falls under movies that only nerds love to love, I suspect. Followed closely by “The Last Starfighter”.
The thing about Godzilla was…where the rubber suit movies were gloriously bad (especially Godzilla 2000, which ends with the line “maybe there’s a little bit of Godzilla in all of us!”) the American made movie staring MB was just…boring. It was really a “wow, this is bad, and I just don’t care. where is the taco bell dog to liven this up?” type of movie. So I dont’ think it counts, because if it was the only thing on on a saturday, I would go read a book. It doesn’t have that same train wreck fascination to it.
Whereas watching Chuck Norris say improbable lines, or Charles Bronson tote a gun far too big for his feeble frame, and kick bad guy butt, is just somehow terribly fascinating, especially given how bad the actual delivery, acting, and effects actually are.
Another example of an incredibly bad movie that does not attract reviews is “Black Mask”, the Jet Li Supersoldier-cum-martial-arts event movie that was just incredibly boring. Compared to the Van Damme super soldier movies where they were brought back from the dead and had time limits, which was incredibly bad, but also funly cartoony and open to mocking, which makes them horribly rewatchable.
heck, anything with Van Damn is fun to rewatch and mock.
Oooo. Hudson Hawk for the win, baby.