On the blog Stuff Christians Like, they had a post the other day about the different roles of the Pastor’s wife. He suggested that most pastor’s wives fall into one of three categories: Sunny Rainbow Happy Lady, The Grumpiest Person on Earth, and Keyser Soze. The post was problematic in a couple of ways. First, the categories he alloted for this role were very limited. Second, the changing scope of pastoral ministry needs more categories for the role of the pastor’s husband, a difficult and changing role indeed. I can’t say much about the role of the pastor’s husband, but I can talk about the the role of the pastor’s wife.
For a long time the pastor’s wife has conjured up images of jumpers, hair in a bun, running bake sales, playing the piano, running VBS and being an ever present part of the church. This however, is not the role of my wife, nor will it ever be. The only thing I usually say about my wife on my blog is that I don’t talk about her much, because I try to keep protect her from the public nature of my job. Gretchen does, however, have a very significant role in my ministry and the church. It will just never be the role that other people assign to her, it will always be the role she desires.
If I were to offer a category for the role my wife has chosen to take in our church, it would be what I call the First Lady pastor’s wife. This is the well loved pastor’s wife who shows up to make otherwise dull events look better, who had personal projects they are passionate about that they throw themselves into, and whose style and charm make them far more liked than the pastor. This is a formal role that my wife excels at. She is a very gracious hostess, excels in front of people, and has parts of ministry that she is very passionate about.
But, one of the things that comes with being a pastor’s spouse (wife or husband) is that other people constantly try to add to your role. The roles that other people try to assign to the pastor’s spouse include, the press secretary (the person who has all the information), customer service representative (the person you come to complain about the church to) and pastor (assuming the spouse can or will do anything their spouse will). This can be really hard on any spouse whose life is already made so much harder by their spouse serving the church.
So give your pastor’s spouse some serious love. They have a difficult life as it is. Allow them some boundaries, love them no matter the role they take, and don’t project your expectations on them, their spouses already deal with that enough.
I would love to hear from any other pastors or their spouses out there about the difficulties of these roles and what they experience.
Editor’s Note – I found this picture and thought it was hysterical. That is the only reason it is here. This is not a picture of my wife, just for the record
July 26, 2008 at 4:12 pm
The role of the pastor’s wife is something that garners some of my attention, especially as I desire to be more serious about the type of woman that I am interested in and date.
Being a single male in seminary, I am aware that whomever I date will have the pressure of the pastor’s wife in some regards, especially if I seek appointment as a student pastor (which I intend to do). She didn’t know me prior to accepting this calling/vocation for my life, so she comes in knowing there is somewhat of a public nature to the relationship, which is sad but true. How do I balance getting to know someone and the public nature of our lives – in some regards?
As I consider getting married again, this is something that I am really concerned about, because I don’t want her to be involved in ways she doesn’t want to be. I want her to be her own person and serve in whatever ways she desires.
July 27, 2008 at 12:13 am
Shannon,
I must say that you are in a tough spot. In many ways Gretchen and I were too young (19-20) when we started dating to really get all that this role would require. Ten years later I can say that neither of us could have predicted how hard it has been, but God has certainly be gracious to us.
The key for you will be not looking for a pastor’s wife. Whoever you marry will obviously need to be on board, but whoever God has out there for you will be someone who will love you for who you are, and that includes being a pastor.
July 29, 2008 at 7:43 pm
as the wife of a pastor, i take my role very seriously. i’m finding that my role changes as the seasons in my life change. we have 3 small children and that is my first ministry.
the most beautiful part is that of a helpmate and encourager to justin. i stand faithfully by his side
and pray for him without ceasing. i may not always know or understand what he faces in the day, but, i want him to know that when he walks through the door at the end of the day- he is safe.
when we got married, i thought that i was marrying a future doctor, but God had different plans for us. once, i submitted to His will and to justin, i was able to look back at the road that i had been on and see God’s mighty hand in preparing me for this role as a pastors wife.
all the ministries and activities that are at church are an added blessing, but my main focus is that of a quiet and gentle spirit. i want to leave that legacy to my daughters. one that is rooted in Proverbs 31. although, there are days and nights that justin is required to be away from us, i know in my heart that he is busy about the Lord’s work and there is no other place i’d rather him be.
so, in the midst of the loneliness and unrealistic expectations that are placed on me, i find rest in Him. i know that God has me right where He wants me, and i look forward with anticipation to where He might lead….
July 29, 2008 at 7:59 pm
That is a beautiful calling and attitude Kari. Justin is blessed indeed.
May 22, 2010 at 2:20 pm
I just stumbled on to your blog a year and half later. I’m usually a person who is always on time but this takes the cake. LOL!!!
Well I am blessed to be a pastor’s wife and also a pastor. I will say that my primarily role was more active in the beginning of our ministry than the latter. I treasure in not simply being the wife of a pastor but a pastor’s wife.
I understand that I am immportant to my husband’s ministry. As unity exists in the Godhead body so it should in the union of marriage which is the greatest ministry on earth. It took me awhile to fall into my purpose and to govern myself alongside my husband, who’s ministry could only get better if I align myself with him.
I purposed that I would be wahtever he needed me to be. We have had a shift within our congregation from time to time. People who said that they were on board, left. If my husband had them to rely on , then his ministry would have fell a long time ago. I came to the realization that God had called me first to be his helpmate and his support. He gave us together, dominion and authority. That agenda hasn’t changed because the first creation fell.
So I prayed and asked God to help me be the women He created me to be . So I started to pray more for my husband. I was his secretary, his armorbearer, his prayer intercessor, his encourager, his shoulder, his manager, his partner. I stayed in deep realms of prayer when spiritual warfare was at hand. I showed up to church when everybody else decided to stay because of “something more important” than God. If had noone else to preach to — he could find me there.
By me staying in position for my husband, God began to elevate me. He birthed in me ministries that noe my husband is to me what I have been for me. He is my covering, my teacher and my greatest supporter.
My role became clear when God was defining it and I was able to leave the feminist attitudes and the “I’m my own person ” thoughts behind. I made up in my mind to labor alongside my “head”. Labor in the good and bad days and wait for the manifestation of God to occur in our lives and ministry.
I am grateful for my ministry of sarahs W.O.M.B. where God is allowing me to reach wome to help them walk in destiny because we do have one.
August 17, 2010 at 9:21 pm
Shannon,
Praise God! He is so good! Early in my husband Brian and mines relationship I had wonderful counsel. We have been in ministry together 26 years now.
The President of our Colleges wife taught a class on how to be a pastors wife. She made it very clear that as Christian women we need not to worry about what other people expect or think, Just God. Our role should be defined by what God wants. Not every Pastor’s wife is a great cook, hostess, singer piano player, organizer, teacher, counselor, child care worker, encourager, letter writer, outreach minister, model figure, youth worker, office staff, nurse, Mom, and perfect wife. Prayer, time with God in his word are the only thing that will put any Christian on the right track. Pastor / wife or church member