The Role of the Pastor’s Wife

On the blog Stuff Christians Like, they had a post the other day about the different roles of the Pastor’s wife. He suggested that most pastor’s wives fall into one of three categories: Sunny Rainbow Happy Lady, The Grumpiest Person on Earth, and Keyser Soze. The post was problematic in a couple of ways. First, the categories he alloted for this role were very limited. Second, the changing scope of pastoral ministry needs more categories for the role of the pastor’s husband, a difficult and changing role indeed. I can’t say much about the role of the pastor’s husband, but I can talk about the the role of the pastor’s wife.

For a long time the pastor’s wife has conjured up images of jumpers, hair in a bun, running bake sales, playing the piano, running VBS and being an ever present part of the church. This however, is not the role of my wife, nor will it ever be. The only thing I usually say about my wife on my blog is that I don’t talk about her much, because I try to keep protect her from the public nature of my job. Gretchen does, however, have a very significant role in my ministry and the church. It will just never be the role that other people assign to her, it will always be the role she desires.

If I were to offer a category for the role my wife has chosen to take in our church, it would be what I call the First Lady pastor’s wife. This is the well loved pastor’s wife who shows up to make otherwise dull events look better, who had personal projects they are passionate about that they throw themselves into, and whose style and charm make them far more liked than the pastor. This is a formal role that my wife excels at. She is a very gracious hostess, excels in front of people, and has parts of ministry that she is very passionate about.

But, one of the things that comes with being a pastor’s spouse (wife or husband) is that other people constantly try to add to your role. The roles that other people try to assign to the pastor’s spouse include, the press secretary (the person who has all the information), customer service representative (the person you come to complain about the church to) and pastor (assuming the spouse can or will do anything their spouse will). This can be really hard on any spouse whose life is already made so much harder by their spouse serving the church.

So give your pastor’s spouse some serious love. They have a difficult life as it is. Allow them some boundaries, love them no matter the role they take, and don’t project your expectations on them, their spouses already deal with that enough.

I would love to hear from any other pastors or their spouses out there about the difficulties of these roles and what they experience.

Editor’s Note – I found this picture and thought it was hysterical. That is the only reason it is here. This is not a picture of my wife, just for the record