Holiness Reeducation

Well it is official, Pluto is no longer one of us. Long considered the ninth planet of our solar system, Pluto has been sent to the minors. Why? it isn’t big enough, doesn’t have the rights gravitational pull and frankly, the scientists just seem to have it out for little Pluto. We are Pluto’s advocates? I mean now everything changes. Countless science fair projects with spinningstyrofoam orbs no longer matter. No longer is it true that My  Very Educated Mother Just Served Us Nine Pizzas. (An acronym to remember the planets.  Now she serves us nothing.) Gustav Holtz’s The Planets no longer seems incomplete without Pluto. And Mickey’s dog seems even sillier than before. So goes yet another truth of our childhood, something we have held on to, memorized, and answered on standardized testing. So on this day of mourning, let us think of other great truths that have left us as well.

Goodbye Panda bear that was actually closely related to the racoon but is more closely related to bears again.

Fair thee well Bronotosaurus, strong Thunder Lizard of my youth, who was actually a misidentified and incorrectly categorized Apatosaurus. I miss you….

Goodbye, Urban Legend about Phil Collin’s song, In the Air Tonight, I am glad no one drowned, but the song has lost some of its 80’s power.

I miss you belief that carbohydrates are delicious and good for me. Bread, bread, my beloved friend, did Atkins finally kill you?

Adios, youthful thoughts that Anthrax was merely a really cool metal band.

So long Deep Throat, it seems wrong to know you were a real person.

Remember when Rock music was all satanic. It seems so less dangerous now that K.I.S.S. is no longer Knights in Satan’s Service and AC/DC isn’t Anti-Christ Devil’s Child. Remember when Alice Cooper seemed edgy and didn’t play in golf pro-ams, Ozzie was biting the heads off of bats in concert, (it was actually a dove in a record executive’s office) and we thought it was all about something other than making money.

Remeber when you thought $100 was all the money in the world. Now my cable bill is higher than that.

So long misbelief that America was ever a Christian nation.

We’ll miss you confidence in FEMA.

I wish Pepsi, the Mormons, and Disney really did control the world through their vast empires. Conspiracies are so fun.

I say goodbye to you, filling my tank with gas for less than $40.

For these and many more ideas no longer believed, I grieve. Feel free to express your sense of loss and mourning for other things lost…….

In Mourning-

The Prophet