Ramblings from the Prophet……

June has been a thoroughly amusing month, as I have spent a week at the beach with my family, a week in Birmingham, Al with high school students, and we have celebrated numerous important world events such as the NBA Finals, Stanley Cup Finals, NBA Draft, US Open, World Cup and College World Series. So here are a few observations from June…

From the World of Sports…

Larry Brown is not a good person. Over the past 2 years he has demonstrated such pettiness, deceipt, selfishness and stubborness that I actually have forgotten I used to admire him as a coach. (Kind of like we are all on the verge of collective amnesia in regards to the Hall of Fame career of Isaiah Thomas. How can such legendary basketball player be the worst GM in the history of sports? If he is such a bad decision maker how did he run two championship teams? Anyone have a theory on this?) He is ridiculous and I hope the Knicks don’t pay him another penny. He is a theif and a swindler for what he did to them this year.

There is nothing like the NBA draft for unintentional comedy. From Stu Scott and his silly, sometimes offensive, and always awkward questions to the players after they are drafted to the weeping moms and David Stern trying to appear human as he interacts with the newly drafted players, it is one of the highlights of the year. ESPN should do an ESPN 360 coverage of the draft. On ESPN2 they could put cameras at each of the tables in the green room as players get angry or bitter about other people getting drafted ahead of them. On ESPN Classic they could show David Stern trying to pronounce names like Thabo Sefolosha and Olexsiy Pecherov. Finally on ESPN.com they could have a live web cam feed of nothing but Knicks fans making death threats to Isaiah Thomas. I would watch all of these channels, wouldn’t you?

From spending a week with high schoolers……

Nothing makes students feel more uncomfortable than making jokes about their parents sex lives. Has this always been true? Most people I know would rather eat one of those 6 inch cave spiders they use on Fear Factor than think about their parents procreating. But, it is doubly true for teenagers, because with all those hormones raging all they can think about is the opposite sex. Maybe Freud’s Oedipus Complex theories were based on awkward conversions with people about his parents during his teenage years. If you want to freak out a teenager ask them questions like this. “Do your parents have two showerheads in their shower?” or “Do your parents listen to a lot of Barry White when you’re not home?”

Teenage boys smell. Always. Especially when they sweat for a week non-stop, barely shower and sleep packed closely together in a small room. I have never wished for allergies to block my ability to breath through my nose so much.

I am really glad that energy drinks such as Red Bull, Vault, and a multitude of others didn’t exist when I was a teenager. I certainly would have pounded them down at every opportunity. They taste like melted freezy pops and kick like a double expresso. We have laws preventing teenagers from buying beer, but we allow them to consume these stomach aches in a bottle?!? Giving these drinks to a teenage boy is like bringing to life a charicature sketch. Everything that already exists about them and is annoying is just increased by a magnitude of ten and thrown into your face. We got rid of New Coke, can’t we get rid of Red Bull and Vault?

After a week of the beach and family…..

For each week of vacation that you spend with family (no matter how wonderful) your work place should immediately credit you another week of vacation to detox.

When your grandmother makes bacon why does it always tast better than when you do it? Even she isn’t in her kitche, she still dominates the world of frying up pig. I think that my wifes grandmother should be renamed the bacon whisperer.

You never feel clean at the beach. No matter how many times I showered, there was still sand stuck in so many places that I was convinced I was making trying to make either pearls or glass. I needed of team of Hazmat people to scrub me down like I had been exposed to Anthrax.

When people are on vacation they wear things they never wear anyother time. Is this because they want to wear bad tank tops, clothing made for someone 20 years younger and 30 pounds lighter, and weird hats all the time or because they think that is what they are supposed to wear. It remains a mystery to me, maybe some of you fashion experts can offer some insight.

Finally, I have changed my vote for best food of the summer. A freshly deep fried Corn Dog from the Pier at the beach is the best summer food ever. (Can something be deep fried, contain a hot dog, and still be fresh) I will listen to other arguments.

Peace-

G